


it will be okay

by suhtaro



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Realization, Suh Youngho | Johnny-centric, not a lot of johnjae just a lot of johnny figuring shit out, uhh idk how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:14:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27073315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suhtaro/pseuds/suhtaro
Summary: first time i's posted my work somewhere i hope you enjoy! english isn't my first language so any feedback is much appreciated
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	it will be okay

**Author's Note:**

> first time i's posted my work somewhere i hope you enjoy! english isn't my first language so any feedback is much appreciated

johnny sat and stared blankly into his bedroom, tears flowing freely. he was stressed and overwhelmed. he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs. all emotions and feelings had been bottled up and were deciding to finally burst that night. he just felt inadequate and was confused about relationships or more the lack of them. it just all felt like too much, he wished he could stop time to have the opportunity to think about what he was going to do with his life. 

it wasn’t a mystery where all this was coming from though. johnny was always one to compare his life to others. compare how far they had gotten to how he had done. recently it felt like everyone was moving forward so fast career and life-wise, johnny felt like he was being left behind. mark and haechan had become a popular musician couple duo, taeyong opened his studio, doyoung had finally gotten into modeling and so had his best friend and roommate jaehyun, and taeil had also begun to give music and vocal lessons. they were all doing what they loved and johnny was still confused about what exactly was his plan. he had bounced between majors in college before deciding on education but he was questioning everything again. there were two months until he started teaching and johnny was second-guessing himself. it’s not that he didn’t want to teach, he just didn’t know if he would do a good job. sure he went to school for it and got the job but what if the kids didn’t like him, what if he wasn’t able to teach them right and they would learn nothing wasting a whole year. now that it was becoming real it was getting to be too much pressure.

though johnny didn’t dare talk about it with anyone. he had always been the bright one in his group. the mood maker and the one who kept everyone happy. he knew that him talking about having a hard time would just put a downer on everyone’s time and life. they were all doing so good and the last thing he wanted to do was make his friends worry about things he needed to sort out himself. he loved them too much to bring them into his shit.

suddenly johnny heard the front door open and the other problem came in, jung jaehyun. jaehyun himself was not the problem it was more johnny’s feelings for him that were the issue. the two had known each other for about six years and johnny had been silently crushing on him for about four of those. it was impossible not to fall for jaehyun though, he was perfect. from his outside appearances, he seemed to be someone who would be self-absorbed but how could you not when you had a face like that. jaehyun looked like he had been handcrafted by god himself. for the time johnny had known him, jaehyun had had people of all genders basically throwing themselves at him. even with all the attention and compliments he was drowning in each day, especially now that he had made it as a model, jaehyun had always been the sweetest, kindest, gentle, most down to earth, caring guy. and god, johnny loved him. he loved the way jaehyun would wake him up with a soft voice every morning, loved the way that sometimes it would look like he had cat whiskers when he smiled, he loved when jaehyun laughed it would fill johnny’s chest with warmth. he had considered confessing before but it was never the right time and especially not now. 

after a while of losing his mind, thinking and silently crying for a bit, he headed out of his room. jaehyun noticed his presence immediately “hey johnny how was your d-” jaehyun cut himself off mid-sentence noticing the tear stains on johnny’s cheeks as well as his eyes being red and puffy. “johnny are you okay? were you crying?” jaehyun was immediately concerned, in his years of friendship he had rarely seen johnny cry.

johnny cursed himself for not looking in the mirror before, he probably looked like a fuckin mess. he quickly wiped his tears, turning away from jaehyun and walking to the fridge “yeah im fine just watched a sad movie” johnny hated lying, even little lies like this. they would add up bit by bit and soon enough johnny would have to dig himself out of a massive hole he put himself in. 

jaehyun didn’t believe that for a second and walked over to the fridge standing next to johnny who seemed to have found great interest in a half-empty gallon of milk “johnny if something is bothering you please tell me, i'm your best friend. you can say anything to me” 

best friend those words rung around in johnny’s head. he closed the fridge and turned around to meet jaehyun “jae please, i just really don’t want to talk about it okay” 

jaehyun accepted those words, wanting to respect his friend’s wishes. that didn’t stop him from pulling johnny in for a hug. johnny immediately melting into his arms despite being at a shoot all day jaehyun still smelled nice, he smelled like home. after a few moments of the two just standing there, comfortable in each other’s embrace, jaehyun loosened his embrace. “you should get to bed” he said softly “the guys are coming over tomorrow remember” johnny nodded. jaehyun pulled him in for a quick hug kissing his forehead after pulling away “sweet dreams and my door is always opened when you need it” they both exchanged small smiles before jaehyun went into his room.  
it wasn’t unusual for jaehyun to kiss johnny like that. they had always been very clingy and touchy with each other. just with the small stuff, of course, kisses on the cheek, cuddling, and hand-holding. usually, the small gestures gave johnny butterflies in his tummy, this time they only broke his heart. 

~

that next morning johnny wakes up to muffled voices coming from the living room, he lazily rolls over and checks his phone. 10:42 am johnny knew his friends were going to be coming over early but didn’t expect it to be that early. he drags himself out of bed and stares at himself in the mirror, he looks like shit. after his moment with jaehyun johnny allowed himself a few crying hours before falling asleep. he didn’t want a repeat of questions like what happened with jaehyun last night so he quickly hoped in the shower, he was currently very grateful that he had won the room with the bathroom in it. after showering and getting dressed the lack of sleep was still clearly visible on johnny’s face. he put on a bit of concealer, foundation, and some light blush just to make him look not dead. he usually didn’t wear makeup but johnny didn’t want to look like he had not slept in the past hundred years. as he walked out he faked his best and brightest smile. 

the moment after stepping into the living room johnny was hug/tackled by donghyuck. he had always been extremely affectionate with both his boyfriend mark and his friends, johnny especially considering he was like a big brother. johnny hugged the younger boy back, the smile on his face becoming real and genuine. after getting up from his hug johnny went and greeted the rest of his friends. the morning was spent nicely, the group discussing plans for the rest of the day. at one point johnny excused himself to the kitchen to get more coffee and jaehyun followed him in “hey are you feeling better?” jaehyun asked softly. 

johnny’s heart clenched, he wanted to tell jaehyun. he could tell that he truly cared for him but he just couldn’t. especially considering the fact that jaehyun was one of the reasons johnny was so out of it “yeah im okay don’t worry about, just one of those nights you know. got really overwhelmed but i'm good now.” johnny responded giving jaehyun a small smile 

jaehyun knew johnny was lying so he took his chances and pressed on “johnny please if somethings going on just please tell me. i wanna help” 

“just drop it jae, i said im fine” johnny said bluntly as he walked back into the living room, not even bothering to take the coffee he originally went in there to get  
after the small conversation the two had had in the kitchen the whole vibe of the house had changed. johnny and jaehyun sat on opposite sides of the room, extremely uncommon, but what was even weirder was johnny’s silence. he was usually the one cracking jokes and bringing the mood up but now he only offered small laughs and head nods. jaehyun was trying to participate in the conversation but would lose track of his thoughts, too worried with johnny. eventually doyoung got sick of it “all right you two what the hell happened. you went into the kitchen and everything feels weird as fuck” 

“nothing everything’s fine doie” jaehyun said with a forced smile. he could sense johnny was already anxious and upset and he didn’t want to keep pushing it.

“don’t lie to me jaehyun” doyoung responded sternly. he switched his attention to johnny “what’s wrong? what happened? you’ve rarely been talking all morning” 

“just like jaehyun said it’s fine ‘i'm just not feeling well today” johnny didn’t even bother to turn to doyoung when he sad that 

“fine my ass, just tell us what’s wrong” 

“i said it’s nothing, leave me alone” the words sounded a lot harsher than johnny intended to, his voice coming out loud and laced with anger. but at this point, johnny had lost all control. he hoped they would just drop it because he was afraid of what he would say if they kept pushing 

“johnny please we just want to help” this time the words coming from taeyong, all of them looked on as they waited for johnny to respond 

“okay fine you wanna know what’s wrong?” he asked as he angrily stood up from his seat “i'm falling apart. all of you have your fucking lives together and i don’t even know if what i choose for a job is the best for me. i’ve been staying up for fucking weeks with the same goddamn thoughts and questions running through my mind will i be good enough? will i be able to provide what people expect from me? and i can’t fucking do it i just cant anymore. and i wanna scream and yell. but i fucking can’t i can’t be upset and i can’t be putting all my shitty fucking personal problems on my best friends. and the last fucking thing i want is to feel like a fucking burden to you.”

everyone looked on in shock, they would have never expected johnny to say this. eventually jaehyun spoke up “johnny you aren’t a burden. and you’re going to be great a great teacher don’t doubt yourself” 

“it’s not only that” johnny mumbled 

“then what is it,” jaehyun asked “we can’t fucking help you if you don’t say shit. we can’t read your mind” 

“yeah i’ve noticed that jaehyun” a slight underhandedness in his tone of voice 

“well, what the fuck is that supposed to mean?” the tension in the room rose. and despite the fact that all his friends were there johnny felt like he was only talking to jaehyun at this moment 

“you’re so fucking clueless,” johnny said with a dry laugh “i’ve been in love with you for the last four years and you have never noticed. every day i fall for you a bit more and every day my heart breaks a bit more.” a silence fell over the room. no one said a word and suddenly johnny’s actions hit him. what the hell had he just done? before anything else happened he ran out of the house grabbing his keys on the way out. 

it took a moment to process everything before jaehyun and the rest of the boys ran after johnny. but he was too fast, by the time he got out the only thing left was the sound of his car driving away. 

johnny drove. he drove and drove and drove. he didn’t know where he was going but two hours later he stopped. it was at a small hotel, he decided he would stay there at least for the night. he went into his trunk and grabbed a small suitcase he always kept there in case of an emergency where he had to leave and had no time to pack. he didn’t think he would ever have to use it especially not in a situation like this. he walked into the small lobby where a petite dark-haired woman helped him out. thankfully it was a small place in the middle of nowhere so they had plenty of empty rooms. johnny paid for three nights in advance, took his key and walked into the room. 

when he got into the room he immediately checked his phone for the first time since he left, he had dozens of missed calls, voicemails, and texts. full of apologies and pleads. it was exactly what johnny had wanted to avoid. but johnny didn’t want to worry his friends. he opened the group chat not even bothering to check what had been said and typed a simple ‘im okay just need space, im sorry’ 

back at the house, everyone was a mess, jaehyun especially. they knew the reason johnny hadn’t told them anything was because he didn’t want them to worry or feel guilt but they couldn’t help it. johnny had always been the one to cheer them up when they were having a bad day. he would do anything to make sure the people around him were happy and smiling, yet they didn’t bother to do the same for him. they were all in the living room, all of them sitting on the couche but jaehyun was the only one sitting away from them sitting against the wall with his head in his hands. checking their phones, hoping that they would get a response. a simple message popped up ‘i'm okay just need space, im sorry’ at that point jaehyun had begun to cry. it was all his fault. he should have just left it alone when johnny said he didn’t want to talk last night but no, he had to go and keep pushing. look where that had gotten him. donghyuck went over to where jaehyun was sitting against the wall and engulfed him in a hug “it’s going to be okay, he’s gonna come back.” after hugging jaehyun for a while he turned to the rest of the group their faces now wet with tears as well “he said he needed space so let’s just give it to him. he isn’t good with emotions so just give him time” 

they all silently agreed with donghyuck, he had a point. johnny wasn’t going to stay away forever, he just needed time to himself and to think all they had to do was wait. 

~

the wait lasted two weeks. johnny spent two weeks in the hotel, leaving occasionally to explore the town or the local beach. there was a point where he considered booking a trip back to korea but that was a bit too much. he spent a lot of time thinking mostly about jaehyun, being a teacher was something he realized was for him and although the doubts he was having were normal he knew not to dwell on them too much. it was his first year in a class of his own so he would be given a little slack for being a newbie. and the teachers who he worked alongside with were always going to be there if johnny had any doubts or questions about what he was doing. the one thing he could not find a solution for was jaehyun, there was no going back from what he had said. he had put his feelings out there for jaehyun as well as all his friends to see. there was no way he could go back and act as if nothing had happened. 

that night johnny decided to drive back he suspected he could sneak back into the house without waking jaehyun, he was always a pretty heavy sleeper. as he checked out he bid his goodbyes to the woman at the front desk. in the two weeks, johnny had been here she had been the only person he had talked to. her name was irene, she was only a few years older than johnny but made johnny feel welcome. they talked a bit after her shift every night and johnny found out she was a lesbian dating a woman named seulgi. it made johnny’s heart happy to see the way her eyes lit up when talking about her girlfriend. it made him wish he would be able to have that with jaehyun one day. as johnny turned to walk away he heard irene speak behind him “i hope you figured things out johnny-ah, you deserve happiness” 

~

it was around 2 am when johnny got to the apartment. all the lights were off and not a sound was heard throughout the house, he figured jaehyun was asleep. he went in trying to make as little noise as possible. after successfully opening his front door he gently set his keys down on the kitchen table, took off his shoes, and walked into his room, he just wanted to go to his bed right now. to his surprise though, there was someone already sleeping in his bed. jaehyun was there looking as angelic as ever, tightly gripping one of the many plushies johnny had on his bed. his heart broke a little at the sight but he didn’t want to wake him, johnny went into his closet to grab a blanket deciding the couch was his best option for tonight. he had been very good at being quiet that was until he walked and crushed his toes full force into his desk. he let out a loud ‘jesus fucking christ’ followed by a few quiet ‘oh fucks’ as he dropped to the ground and gripped his foot.

at this point, jaehyun was asleep and just silently watching as johnny cursed in pain. soon he got up from the bed worried he helped johnny up and helped him to the edge of the bed and walked out a few minutes later he came back with an ice pack. he handed it to johnny without a word and sat next to him. johnny turned as he placed the pack on his foot, he couldn’t look jaehyun in the eye, he was too ashamed. the tension in the room was high and the silence was painful. after what felt like hours jaehyun spoke up “does it feel better now?” 

“uh yeah thank you for the ice pack” johnny responded awkwardly he looked around and his eye landed on the clock it was a bit past 3 am now, had they really just been sitting there for that long. johnny was getting tired of the silence he put the ice pack on the stupid desk that caused all this and grabbed the blanket that was on the floor. jaehyun immediately stopped him.

“where are you going, this is your bed,” jaehyun said, walking closer towards johnny. the taller man turned around the two now standing very close to each other, johnny feeling jaehyun’s breath on his lips. jaehyun didn’t even give johnny a chance to speak before he dragged johnny into bed. johnny didn’t question it slipping under the covers. jaehyun cuddling into him “hold me” jaehyun said, johnny was taken aback but gladly fulfilled his request. wrapping his arms around jaehyun and pulling him closer. jaehyun let out a happy sigh “i know there is a lot to talk about but for tonight let’s just stay like this.”

“okay yeah,” johnny responded in a soft tone. he kissed the top of jaehyun’s head. the two soon drifting off to sleep. 

~  
the next morning johnny awoke with jaehyun still in his arms. they had slept pretty nice but johnny’s hand was completely asleep. he tried to pull it without waking jaehyun but failed “where are you going?” he asked in a groggy voice. 

“i'm not going anywhere, my hand is asleep” johnny responded, jaehyun immediately sitting up. johnny sat up as well shaking his hand to get rid of the numbness. the two faced each other and johnny just admired jaehyun. even straight after waking up jaehyun looked adorable. johnny wanted all his mornings to be like this, waking up with a cute boy in his arms and being able to see his face first thing in the morning. the two just stared at each other until johnny spoke up again, a quiet “im sorry” left his lips 

jaehyun smiled softly “you have nothing to apologize for johnny, it’s okay. you were having a hard time and you needed time and space for that. you don’t need to say sorry for how you feel” 

“yeah but i made everyone stress and worry, i feel so bad. what if they hate me?” he said looking down again 

jaehyun took johnny’s hand into his, “johnny look at me” jaehyun said in a pleading voice” johnny didn’t budge he knew that if he looked up he would begin to cry and it was the last thing he wanted “angel please look at me” the nickname made johnny’s heart swell he looked up, the tears falling soo after. jaehyun’s heart broke, johnny was very sensitive when it came to his friends and the fact that johnny had worried them for two weeks was probably eating him up inside. it didn’t help that he was also in an obvious vulnerable place which made him doubt everything. jaehyun reached with his free hand and wiped johnny’s tears. “baby don’t cry, everything's alright. they are not going to hate you. and yes you made us worry a bit but we worry only because we all care so so so much. they all missed you so much the last thing they are going to have is hate in their heart for you” 

“thank you jae” johnny said in a soft voice. after hearing jaehyun’s comforting words, johnny gained a bit of confidence. he wanted to ask about the confession. it wasn’t the nicest of confessions but he had told jaehyun how he felt and it was killing him not knowing if jaehyun had the same feelings for him “um do you remember what i said before i left that day?” he asked shakily 

jaehyun gave johnny a small smile before responding “yeah i do and before you say anything else i feel the same. i guess i didn’t realize my feelings for you until you confessed that day. and if after these two weeks you still feel the same. how would you like to be my boyfriend?” 

johnny smiled brightly, the most he had in a while, “i would love nothing more than to be your boyfriend jung jaehyun” 

unexpectedly jaehyun grabbed the back of johnny’s head and gently kissed him. it wasn’t fiery and electric. it was soft and full of love, their lips fit together perfectly. jaehyun pulled back and smiled “i’m so glad to have you back” 

~

the rest of their day was spent lounging around. they cuddled and kissed for a bit more before they went out to make breakfast. they ate and talked about what they had done for the two weeks, jaehyun schedule was the same except for a few meetings with his amager here and there. johnny on the other hand told jaehyun about the small town, the beach, and irene. they had exchanged numbers so hopefully, they could hang out and jaehyun could meet her. 

as the day went on jaehyun still had something to tell johnny. it had been a weird day and jaehyun didn’t want to overwhelm johnny but he knew soon they would have to tell their friends that he was back. it was around two in the afternoon when jaehyun brought it up, johnny a bit hesitant the doubt still in his head that his friends would be upset with him but jaehyun reassured him it would be fine. johnny agreed and hopped in the shower while jaehyun texted their friends. 

bffies  
JAEHYUN: hey 

DOYOUNG: what’s up? any updates oh johnny 

JAEHYUN: well actually he came home last night 

MARK: WHAT???

HYUCK: what the fuck why didn’t you tell us 

TAEIL: im gonna go over there and strangle u why didnt you say anything

TAEYONG: u guys maybe think for a moment there’s probably a reason

TAEIL: ur right yong. im sorry jaehyun please continue 

JAEHYUN: as i was saying. he came home and he wants to see you guys. but please just keep in mind he’s still not in the best headspace. he’s a lot better than he was last time we saw him but just don’t overwhelm him with questions. 

HYUCK: yeah jae of course dont worry 

MARK: do you want us to come over now or?? 

JAEHYUN: yeah johnny will be out of the shower before y’all come home. and remember no stupid shit! 

TAEIL: yeah yeah we get it, acting like johnny’s bodyguard 

TAEYONG: more like his boyfriend 

DOYOUNG: wait what if they are dating 

DOYOUNG: are you dating??

JAEHYUN: we may have talked a bit in the morning 

HYUCK: okay talked and??? 

JAEHYUN: will you look at that my phone is about to die see u in a bit <333333

TAEIL: you know maybe i will strangle u 

jaehyun giggled at his phone, he would like to tell his friends. he had been buzzing with excitement to tell them but it was something he and johnny would have to do together. five minutes later johnny came out of the shower and jaehyun told him that their friends were on their way. johnny began to slightly shake, he was still scared of what would happen. jaehyun kept reassuring him saying that it would be fine. eventually, a knock was heard at the door and johnny’s anxiety spiked. before jaehyun went to go open the door he turned to johnny “if you don’t want to do this yet it is okay, i’ll tell them and i’m sure that they’ll understand” johnny shook his head, he wanted to see them he was just nervous. 

jaehyun opened the door motioning for the group to walk in. hyuck excitedly walked over to johnny stopping himself before he continued “johnny is it okay if i hug you” the taller man nodded excitedly and hyuck jumped into his arms. johnny missed this, he would never admit it yo jaehyun but hyuck’s hugs were the absolute best. soo enough the rest of the group joined and johnny was being buried in hugs and multiple i love yous and i missed you. johnny was so glad to be back. 

he was the one to gently push them all off telling them he wanted to talk. they all sat looking at johnny, he still felt nervous but not as much “i just want to say i'm sorry first. i made you all worry i should have never blown up like that and runoff. it would have been so much better if i had just properly talked but i just couldn’t do it. i promise i’ll get better at doing it though. i never ever want that to happen again.” 

doyoung was the first to speak up “we should be the ones apologizing johnny, we never checked in on you or how you were doing and we should have done more of that. don’t feel burdened to be happy around us, please just tell us what’s happening or if you are having a hard time. we are your friends and we’re here to help” the rest of the boys nodded in agreement. 

“well i guess we just both have to get better with a lot of things” johnny smiled softly “i'm just so glad to be back” 

“and we’re glad to have you back. now spill what’s going on with you” taeil said teasingly 

they spent all day and into the night talking and catching up. johnny felt content, he felt at home. there had been bumps in the road but it was all worth it. johnny had all he had. amazing friends and now an amazing boyfriend. compared to that sleepless night a few weeks ago, johnny’s life was now perfect.


End file.
